deviations on a theme.

I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m so useless that I can’t even make you feel beautiful, not even you, the most amazing girl I’ve ever seen. You deserve better than I can ever give you and it breaks my heart. I want to make it all go away, I want to make you happier than you know how to be but I’m not good enough. I’m not enough, I never will be.

You’re asleep next to me without a goodnight and I’m drinking from the bottle wishing things were different, wishing I was better. A better boyfriend, a better lover, a better son/daughter. I love you so much it makes me want to blow my brains out because nothing could ever compare and I know it’s only a matter of minutes until I fuck it up and throw it all away.

You’re asleep next to me and I’m drinking from the bottle wishing I was different.

e

I’m only ever a heartbeat, an errant thought, a slip of the mask away from falling in love with you, so in love I want to blow my brains out want to drown myself in your soul and never surface again I want you to love me, make me invincible with it, fill me fix me save me fuck me.

I can be your drama your oxygen your salvation, I want us to swig from the bottle and swap stories and in the morning remember nothing nothing but love and touch and tears and laughter together and together we can tear all this to the ground leave nothing in our wake, make me invincible and I will carry you through fire through shallow grave through hell itself.

I want to drive away out of this city leave the blanket of smog in the rear view mirror, lie in a field and count stars and scars and grass stains on our knees and kiss in the summer sunsets. I miss you, I miss you come back, come back and love me.

build an ark

my responses to people become increasingly autistic. I am falling away from control and burying myself deeper in the bunker. my comfort zone has reduced to a single pace, one I am unable or unwilling to take. my mind atrophies as quickly as my useless limbs. I am falling away from control and things are going wrong. film at 11.

This space intentionally left blank.

Hello Internet.

I wish I could say I’ve missed you. Welcome back anyway. I suppose that means expect new shit.

the sky is full of zeros and ones

the static crackles across the clouds and the night is alive with an untapped fury, a menacing scent of burnt copper and blood on the breeze. walking through the city, alone with the other lost souls - the bound, the broken, the kids who lost faith trapped behind glass - I look to the east and wonder if the sun will ever rise again.

Even the stars have gone out.